It’s been a while since I’ve been in a proper relationship. For the majority of that time I have had quite a low expectation of myself. I have always had a low sense of self worth.
Even when I have been in a relationship. I have always doubted its authenticity. Do they actually really like me? Am I just the easy option? Will they leave when something better comes along? I have needed constant reassurance. And ironically it’s this need for reassurance that can put the most pressure onto a relationship. The last thing my last long term partner said tonne is: “do you know how emasculating it is to not be able to convince you that I do love you?”
That was a slap in the face to me. I had no idea how in my neediness I was hurting him. It made me want to realise that I should believe people when they say nice things. Maybe I do deserve positive things.
It’s easier said than done. I know I have some redeeming qualities. But I also couldn’t name them. I worry I’m too boring. I don’t have anything interesting. I’m too fat. I’m not pretty enough. I have mental health issues. The list goes on with all the bad points.
I had a mental break down last year. I couldn’t leave the house. I couldn’t even talk to people I knew. I was suicidal. All of these negative points were so resounding in my mind. They were factual. It took me nearly six months to go to my gp and ask for help. The help I received was amazing. There was some medicated help but most importantly I went to counselling sessions.
I’m not going to go through the ins and outs. All you need to know is I found it a very hard but very interesting experience. We explored why I have such low worth and how to overcome that. I know feel changed and different. It’s not an overnight change. There’s a lot of practice and a lot of learning. I see myself and I react to situations in a very different way now.
I have started dating again. Last year I would have rather of died than spoke to some one. Six months I would have arranged to meet up with some one and then become so anxious and panicked I would probably cancel. But this time I went.
We’d spoken a while about all sorts. So we met up for a few drinks and it was nice. Drinks were nice and the conversation was pleasant. But there was no real connection there was no spark or anything.
And instead of worrying and over analysing everything and being convinced it was because I was boring or too fat or too full on. I realised that sometimes it’s just not meant to be. And that is perfectly ok.